Insert cockney rhyming slang here

Some more from the revival of Lionel Bart’s Fings Aint Wot They Used T’Be earlier this year at the Union Theatre.  The pictures speak for themselves, although I took the liberty of expunging the girls-on-their-knees number (use your imagination) to protect more innocent audiences…

Particular thanks to Chris Hornby and Oliver Townsend for their assistance on the publicity shoot.  

It’s also only fair to namecheck the unsung heroes (beyond the cast and everyone else involved, of course) who make a key difference to the visuals when photographing the production itself, so here goes: for sumptuous lighting design, Jason Meininger, for sumptuous design of everything else, Oliver Townsend (again), and, as associate designer, Emma Tompkins.

Fings-002 Fings-003 Fings-004 Fings-005 Fings-006 Fings-007 Fings-008 Fings-009 Fings-010 Fings-011

Doing a poster on a microbudget

You will need:

  • One Myra Hindley expression
  • One table mat
  • One chopped-up legal folder
  • One Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend
  • Imaginative directions and innuendo (batch)
  • Not-especially-straight lines (batch)
  • One Producer
  • Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips (pair)
  • One stick of vivid red glittery lipstick
  • One piece of torn white card
  • Glue
  • One Talented Graphic Designer Called Richard Dobbs
  • One Photographer
Serves: 1,000
Preparation time: Overnight

Stand Photographer upright, garnish with table mat or chopped-up legal folder (to suit preference).  Marinade in Myra Hindley expression.  Illuminate to taste.

Simmer Photographer gently, being careful not to bring to the boil, leave to cool and freeze overnight. 
Stand Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend upright, garnish with table mat.  Marinade with imaginative directions and innuendo.  Illuminate as before and refrigerate in a large fridge.
Remove Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend from fridge and decorate temporarily for cockney spelling test.  Fail test.
Remove decorations, then skewer Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend while still cold on not-especially-straight lines.
Apply stick of vivid red glittery lipstick to Producer.  Remove Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips and glue to piece of torn white card (illustrated above).  Sprinkle Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend skewered on not-especially-straight lines with Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips glued to piece of torn white card.
Taking care not to damage Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips glued to piece of torn white card attached to Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend, detach Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend’s head above the nostrils.  Dust with Talented Graphic Designer Called Richard Dobbs and serve.