You will need:
- One Myra Hindley expression
- One table mat
- One chopped-up legal folder
- One Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend
- Imaginative directions and innuendo (batch)
- Not-especially-straight lines (batch)
- One Producer
- Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips (pair)
- One stick of vivid red glittery lipstick
- One piece of torn white card
- Glue
- One Talented Graphic Designer Called Richard Dobbs
- One Photographer
Serves: 1,000
Preparation time: Overnight
Stand Photographer upright, garnish with table mat or chopped-up legal folder (to suit preference). Marinade in Myra Hindley expression. Illuminate to taste.
Simmer Photographer gently, being careful not to bring to the boil, leave to cool and freeze overnight.
Stand Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend upright, garnish with table mat. Marinade with imaginative directions and innuendo. Illuminate as before and refrigerate in a large fridge.
Remove Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend from fridge and decorate temporarily for cockney spelling test. Fail test.
Remove decorations, then skewer Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend while still cold on not-especially-straight lines.
Apply stick of vivid red glittery lipstick to Producer. Remove Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips and glue to piece of torn white card (illustrated above). Sprinkle Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend skewered on not-especially-straight lines with Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips glued to piece of torn white card.
Taking care not to damage Producer’s exquisite bow-shaped lips glued to piece of torn white card attached to Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend, detach Director’s Extremely Cooperative Boyfriend’s head above the nostrils. Dust with Talented Graphic Designer Called Richard Dobbs and serve.
